Tuesday, June 06, 2006

International Rules Of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37seconds into "The Crying
Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.


3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.


4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail
a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's
fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature
is unsuitable.


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present
for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's
birthday is strictly optional.


8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit
stops, not the weakest.


9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event,
you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask who's playing.


10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers
for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's
officially your girlfriend.


11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only
when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's
delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.


12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are
you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.


13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
Issue closed.


15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem,
you didn't see anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports"
must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge
of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports
watchers.


17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.


18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last
slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better
be talking about his choice of beer.


20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend
of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while
lifting weights:
Yeah, Baby, Push it!
C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
Another set and we can hit the showers!


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.
For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod
is all the conversation you need.

22a: If you are in the process of urinating, conversation is not to be conducted. (this is the Harvey addenum)


23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to
go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a
stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly"
just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the
fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason
for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
about
what a big mistake it was occurs.


25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.


26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink,
lime green, orange or sky blue.


27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you
want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me,you'd know what I want!"
gets an Xbox. End of story.


28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Harvey said...

22 should be amended to exclude urinating.

Never talk to a man while you're holding your willie

10:44 PM  
Blogger Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur said...

Number 6 is a winnnahh! Reminds me of my frat days. Of course, ANYONE'S sister was fair game o those guys.

1:09 AM  
Blogger Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant said...

8. On a road trip, the driver determines the pit stops. And he does so by pretending the brake is the clutch. (grin)

26. Hey, I liked my brown Formula. :-)

7:26 PM  
Blogger Deathknyte said...

Heh.

Ok, a Formula car is an improvement, but its still brown.

7:08 PM  

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