Saturday, February 04, 2006

Right or Wrong?

To do what is Right takes iron discipline and a finely tuned sense of what is the correct thing to do.

My discipline is weaking and my sense of what is right and wrong is no longer clear. I... question. Is it merely infatuation or do I truly love her?

Once you are in love with someone it makes you.... blind, to their faults. Or, perhaps, you just don't want to see those faults. I know not which. No... I do know which, I blinded myself to her faults, even though she did a good job of hiding them. God, I wish I could turn back the clock and fix things. Or at least prevent myself from becoming attached to her in the first place. Yet... a part of me would rather try to fix her. But, I know that it would be impossible. She is too fixed in her ways, too attached to her addictions. For her its the thrill of being chased, the joy of flirtation, the feeling that she is still desired.

I do not understand, I think it is beyond what I can understand. It torments me to know that I care for someone who is unworthy.

My normal way of dealing with this is no longer available, there is no outlet for my confusion and anger. Talking about it doesn't seem to help, probably because I cannot tell the base truths of what I know of her, for I may be judged without honor for caring for the honorless.

I find myself screaming on the inside. I don't understand and it gnaws at me, driving me to distraction. I no longer sleep as well as I did two months ago.

I can't keep her off of my mind for more than a few hours at a time. I cannot go through this again. Yet, I must, for I have no choice in the matter. Either I confine the memories of her to the dim parts of my mind, or I go mad.

2 Comments:

Blogger the Humble Devildog said...

Been there, done that.

It sucks, friend.

10:15 AM  
Blogger Deathknyte said...

Indeed it does.

I am however, getting better.

1:25 PM  

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